trial version

it's been three months and more than a year here..

2009-09-29T08:36:00.000-07:00

would you ever know how it feels to be in a strange place and all you depend your existence in are your friends you just met a year ago and a lover you had also a year ago and you wish to have 'til the nth year.?

would you ever know how it feels that most of the friends you have are against your almost perfect relationship for the fact that you are both girls.?

i truly understand coz that's how i felt about my friends before who would be in such a situation..

but i never knew that that thing i despised before would be the thing i'd willingly die for now..

it feels bad..real bad..

i am only ME when i'm with YOU

2009-06-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

Matagal na rin pala akong hindi nag-b-blog..for some reasons..
bakasyon at walang net sa bahay

ipinagdadamot ni mama si Syg

busy-busyhan sa pagbabasa ng kung anu-ano

na-dry up ang artistic juices for blogging..haha.!

- - -

Ang dami ko palang hindi naiblog..

Yung rollercoaster burpdei ng Niawniaw ko..

Yung pamatay na enrolment sa Ateneo..

Yung nakakapagod ngunit nakakafulfill na ORSEM’09..

Yung first day of class bilang isang irregular 2nd year student..

At yung bago naming anak na si Carlisle..

- - -

Yea..may anak nanaman kami..bwahaha.!

Eldest kasi diba si Flaflop Pikopiko Syg “Syg” [laptop] – December 20 si Kate ang nagpangalan from the word SISIG -- kinahiligang kainin ng mga taga-PILLARS sa Molino..

Second si “Stripe” [may cancer na bading na teddy] – December 28.. gift siya sakin ni Nakita nung December na nagkita kami sa Megamall.. it’s name was from our lesson in NSTP “Hope for the Flowers”, yung protagonist dun na caterpillar Stripe ang name..

Third si Crickette “Cricky” [mini pusa na heart-shaped ang nose] – February 14 obviously eh gift ko sa kanya nung Labentayms..si Cricky ang “ring bearer” namin nun..haha.! yung name eh dati nya nang name na nakasulat sa tag when bought..

Ngaun naman si “Carlisle” [ang DSLR Canon 1000D namin for our Photography class] – June 7 siya ang latest..hihi.. kinuha ni Niawniaw kay Dr. Carlisle Cullen ng Twilight yung name kasi ma-appeal daw yun sa movie kaya bagay daw dun sa cam..toinx.! medyo ayaw ko nga kaso wala naman akong maisip..haha.!

- - -

Yan tuloy bigla akong napakwento tungkol sa mga “anak” namin..

siguro dahil na rin 'to sa pantasyang we'll marry each other someday and we'll have a real happy family..hai..

pangarap ka na lang ba.?

pangarap nga..N-A-G-I-E = T-A-N-G-A..

i'll just have to be hopeful na magiging "supermegaeverbestfriendsforever" kami in the near future..
we're both positive about it so it'll happen..

IT WILL HAPPEN..

if not

WE'LL MAKE IT HAPPEN..[* evil expression..wir skiri wen wir tugidir..wihihi..hihihi..]

- - -

sa totoo lang kasi eh napapadalas nanaman ang mga away namin…

I’m really scared about what’s happening..
nakakapraning kaya..yung tipong kada magbabangayan kayo eh feeling mo sawang-sawa na siya sa mga arte mo tapos walang-wala kang magagawa kapag bumigay na siya at iniwan ka dahil sa tuluyan na siyang sumuko sa mga katangahan mo..hai..

ewan ko nanaman tuloy..yan na lang ang tanging nasasabi ko kapag di ko na talaga alam kung ano ang dapat gawin sa kanya..sa sarili ko at sa sitwasyon..ewan ko..
tipong bahala na si Batman..bahala na rin ang kung sino pa man diyan kasi parang pakiramdam ko eh incapacitated na akong gumawa pa ng move kasi feeling ko kapag tumira nanaman ako eh palpak lang naman..nakakatanga..

pero..hindi ko maunawaan ang sarili ko dahil sa patuloy pa ring humihigpit ang hawak ko sa kawalan..

ayon nga sa saying na nabasa ko..
“there is no greater love than the love that holds on where there is nothing left to hold on to..”

Nakakapagod man kumapit sa wala eh alam mo namang may sasalo sayo sa pagbagsak mo, kaya siguro masaya pa rin at nagpapatuloy..

May papupuntahan din ang lahat ng ‘to..[emow]

pakxet.! sabi ng MERON eh.! rawr.!

i'll be back tomorrow

2009-05-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

This is a salad-bowl-day for me…
Mixed emotions..mixed happenings..mixed people..
--
My day started at around 5:30 am, me, getting ready to go to Naxcz’s apartment to prepare breakfast for ourselves before going to the swimming Jill and El planned.

I got there by about 6:55am..25mins. late..tsk.tsk.tsk..and found her mixing something on the table while Ate Chai sat on the floor while texting not even caring about my arrival..

I helped her through moral support while she was preparing, because I had no idea that she was making pancakes for our breakfast..[naisahan nanaman ako.!] sabi ko kasi ako magluluto ng corned beef..niawr..

Ewan ko lang but I felt real contented while I was there cooking with her..

Nagluto pa rin nga ako ng corned beef pero for lunch na lang..

My very first time to cook for her..corned beef..at nakalimutan ko pang lagyan ng asin..rawr.! stupid me talaga..hai..

The pancake was great and my corned beef sucks without salt..kahit sa luto you’ll see the difference between us..haha..

--

The whole time na binabagyo naming yung kusina nila eh Ate Chai was doing her own thing while making fun of her while she was cooking..After a while eh umalis na rin siya for their family outing, but before that eh sabi niya, “Bye Ssang…bye Nagj..”
waho0.! Good mood si Ate Chai dahil for the first time eh binanggit niya ang pangalan ko at naramdaman ko rin naming sincere yung smile niya sa mga panahong yun..

Kasi naman ilang buwan na akong n’t’terrify sa mga titig niya kapag nagkikita kami eh, yung tipong gusto niya akong balatan ng buhay..hihi..

Pero kanina, at least for a while eh I felt comfortable in front of her..[may improvement..whew.!

--

After everything, kinain na namin yung pamatay na pancake..at hinintay si El at nagdecide na magdecide na kung tutuloy pa ba sa swimming na mukhang lima lang naman kaming sasama..hai..

--

Pagkatapos pagplanuhan na pumunta na lang sa SM eh nauwi pa rin kami sa awa namin kay Jill at Marc na mukhang ito lang ang pagkakataong magkita..haha.! tuloy na tuloy na nga ang swimming ng CC11..[sawakas..]

--

Mga ilang minuto pa eh andun na kami sa Spring Valley na 100 na ang entrance fee na dati nung sa ThePillars PEP eh 75 lang..new management daw kasi..sabi ko dapat new pool din..

Ang tanging improvement lang na nakita ko eh lahat ng pool eh may tubig na, may labels na lahat ng bagay pati ang dog house at ang asong si Jordan, nabawasan rin ang katakot-takot na damo at lumot sa paligid..yun..100 na..

--

Si Jill, Marc, El, at kaming dalawang pusa ang tanging survivors ng CC11..
May ni’invite din si Marc..si Ekoi at Ben..mga DIA..

Para naman..
Jill + Marc
Niawniaw + Mingming
Ben + El + Ekoi
Wahaha.!

Ayoko na ituloy..tinatamad na’ko..hihi..
To be continued na lang ata kapag may time ulit..

--

I’m missin her again..

--

“I’ll be back..”
the only thing I can assure her whenever we need to be away from each other..
the only thing I can swear to myself to make it easier for me to be away from her..

The moment I let go of her embrace..damn it..i miss her already..

--

Time to get going, a big day coming!

Siyeeht.!

Wala lang..

Ngayon ko lang narealize na ang hirap pala talaga mag-isip..

Mamamatay na’ko..hmpf..heeeeelllpp.! the 16th is coming..niawr..

Take ME with YOU, keep me PLEASE

2009-05-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

Saturday, April 25, 2009 to Monday,May 4,2009

You may be another sad note in my piece yet my song won’t be more complete without you..

Whew! [sigh]
I just got home from the biggest wedding of the year..haha!

Our friend and sister at Church Ate April got married today to our Head Catechist Joel..

Ngayon lang ako naka-appreciate at naiinggit sa isang wedding kasi ngayon lang ako nasali sa preparations and everything in between..enjoy kaso nakakapagod most specially in dealing with the caterers and designing the reception area..

Parang ayoko na nga magpakasal in the future kasi nakakastress pala..
I’ll just tell my groom na, “Magbarkada na lang kasi tayo! Hindi pa magastos..”char.! haha.!

Actually, I was really envious about Ate April’s contentment and happiness at that moment, that’s all..

Well, I don’t have any plans to get married yet, haha.! Wala pa ngang groom eh! Haha.!

Will there ever be someone daring enough to spend the rest of His human existence with me?!

Think twice people..you call that thing S-U-I-C-I-D-E..wahaha.!

Actually I just miss someone so much that’s why I’m trying to divert my attention through making fun of everything..niawr..

[11 days gap before nadugtungan ang draft]

May 4, 2009

Asar..lagi na lang kami nag-aaway this past few days..

Kahit sa text eh hindi namin pinapalampas inisin ang isa’t-isa...hai..

Alam ko madrama, maarte, demanding at selosa akong nilalang, I actually agree dun sa nag-comment sa blog nya na ‘arte naman nyan ni nagj’..pero I thought isa siya sa mga taong lampas impyerno ang pasensya pagdating sa mga kabanuan ko sa buhay..

nabibilang lang kasi sa dalawa kong kamay yung mga taong yun, I just thought she’ll survive..
but I guess I was wrong kasi kung dati eh hindi niya naman pinapatulan ang mga ‘kaartehan at kadramahan’ ko eh ngayon parang napuputol agad yung ‘pisi ng pagpapasensya’ niya sa umpisa pa lang ng pag-uusap/pagdidiskusyon namin..

well, I can never demand for consistency kasi as much as it hurts to admit eh alam ko naman from the start eh mawawalan at mawawalan siya ng pasensya sa isang tulad ko kapag hindi na kami mag-asawa..

kaso masakit lang talaga tanggapin ang katotohanan kasi nga diba TRUTH HURTS..[in-English lang ah..toinx!]

ewan ko lang..siguro yung fact na kaya niya nang gawin sakin yun at ako naman eh takot na takot gawin yun sa kanya kasi takot akong mawala siya..alam ko inuubos ko ang pasensya niya pero hindi ko alam na nauubos pala talaga yun..

pasensya na sa mga nakakabasa.,tanga lang kasi talaga ‘tong nag’type nito..isang tangang kailangan ng makikinig or at least may magbabasa ng hinanaing sa life [if ever meron mang tao diyan na walang magawa sa buhay o na’curious lang]..

I can’t take the distance..NAGA-LIGAO..buti kung nalalakad lang o pwede ring tricycle o jeep..kaso hindi eh..2hrs. sa bus..hai natu..nakakabaliw na ngang mag-isip tapos mag-aaway pa..kamusta naman yun?

Napaka-effective na paraan para i-bridge yung distance diba..

Parang nagtayo ng tulay to connect the gap between two islands pero hindi naman pinakinabangan kasi after itayo nung tulay eh biglang nagka-Earthquake na naging dahilan ng pagdrift nung dalawang islands farther away from each other..so which means nasira agad yung tulay diba?

Nag-agree ka? Kung oo, nag-agree ka sa logic ng isang takas sa mental..Kung hindi, pasensya na, hindi pwedeng hindi, dun ka na lang sa blog mo at magtype ng kung anu-ano tulad nito..

LOST not FOUND

2009-05-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

“Sometimes its better be lost anywhere in this world where you can ask for directions back, than to be lost inside yourself where redemption lies in your hands alone..”

A simple text message I got from a classmate last semester..

A simple text that made a lot of sense to me now not because of its simple logic but because it defined how I live right now..

It won’t be anything new to me if I got lost in a mall, a market, a big school, a crowd or something..

I remember when I was about 5yrs.young, I was with my parents and sisters in a department store at the mall then I got lost in the beam of clothes that hung parallel to each other in long lines..i struggled to run to the end of the racks as fast as I could coz I was a bit afraid, then searched for them in each column..i successfully found them and acted as if nothing happened, as if I didn’t get lost..

I’ve been lost in so many places before and found my way back to the right place, that’s why now I find myself rarely lost because if ever I am I don’t consider myself to be because I know I can ask for anybody to find my way back to the place I’m looking for.

Other people believes that I have a keen sense for directions..street smart they say
It won’t be hard for me to go to some unknown place knowing just the name and the directions to get there..i may be a little lost but I’ll still find my way easily..

Sana ganun din kadali hanapin yung daan pabalik sa sarili mo diba..

Sana may makasagot din sayo ng tama kapag nagtanong ka ng direksyon..

At sana ganun rin kadali sundan yung direksyon na ibibigay nila..

Baka sa pagkalula eh lalo lang akong mawala..

Kaya kong mawala kahit saan kahit walang pera I’ll survive ..pero ang mawala sa sarili [mabaliw.? Haha.!] I mean mawala yung sinasabi nilang “ikaw” at yung sinasabi mo sa sarili mo na “ako”..ewan ko lang..

Ang hirap makabalik or ibalik..kahit minsan alam mo yung tamang daan eh ayaw mong sundan kasi naghahanap ka lagi ng sinasabi nilang “bago”, “adventure”, o dun ka lang talaga nag-eenjoy sa mali..nalunod na..[blop.blop.blop]

Well, in the long run eh hindi mo na rin naman napapansin na bumubuo ka lagi ng bagong “ako” sa bawat pagkakataong mawawala ka, either ikaw lang ang makakaalam or iba lang ang makakapansin at ikaw ang walang kaalam-alam..at sa kada bagong “ako” eh may mabubuong ideya na hilig i-stereotype ng tao kaya nagiging mahirap kahit para satin na tanggapin yung “ako” na tayo mismo nagdesisyon na maging..
para sakin ganun yun, ewan ko lang sayo..
sana naman wala pang nasusuka sa mga nababasa nila..hihi..
nasa mood lang ako i-share ang isa sa mga milyong-milyong ideya na hindi ko ma-share sa mga taong kaharap ko..

bagyo kasi kaya siguro binabagyo rin utak ko..

Sweet Escape

2009-05-02T17:40:00.000-07:00

“Everyone is capable of making themselves happy, but happiness is somewhat very different when someone else does it for us..”

Just finished reading the last book of the Twilight Saga. Breaking Dawn..

It took me about a week all in all to read the 5 books..

Pinagtyagaan ko ang Twilight, Midnight Sun [partial draft], at New Moon sa e-book..tapos nakahiram na’ko ng book ng Eclipse at Breaking Dawn sa bestfriend kong si Nicole..whew.! [thanks bezZ.!]

darn..masakit na nga ulo ko..

para sa mga kapatid ko baliw na daw ako kakabasa..

si mama at si papa naman tuwang-tuwa dahil sa wakas eh wala na daw akong babasahin..[as if wala ng ibang libro sa earth..duhh]

ewan ko ba pero I find other parents happy kapag mahilig magbasa anak nila, my aunt’s and uncle’s are very happy at ginagawa pa nila akong good example sa mga pinsan ko kasi mahilig daw ako magbasa..

pero I find it really weird na sa bahay my parents doesn’t encourage reading that much and sa magkakapatid eh si Faye lang ang nakakasundo ko sa pagbabasa..

para kila mama kasi baka daw naapektuhan na studies at nawawalan na daw time sa bahay at hindi na daw alam priorities..duhh..as far as I know I’m not neglecting my duties at home..

sa mga kapatid ko naman eh they don’t find anything interesting in reading books, they prefer watching tv, texting, playing the guitar or using the kompooper kesa daw i-bore ang sarili nila sa pagbabasa tulad ko..

ako lang sa bahay ang mahilig basahin ang kung anu mang mababasa na interesante sa harap ko..

is that insanity? Is that something for them to be worried about? C’mon!

I just enjoy reading books specially fictional novels coz they divert my attention from unpleasant thoughts that keep on bugging me..nawawala ako sa realidad at least for a while..

Sa Twilight Saga eh na-enjoy ko masyado yung love story, yung wholesome romance at yung exciting twists ng story at role ng characters..ngayon lang ako nakabasa ng series..kadalasan eh yung isa-isa lang from a certain author like Paulo Coelho, Mitch Albom, Bob Ong, Og Mandino, etc. tapos yung inspirational books like Chicken Soup chuchu and basta mga inspirational..

Pag fiction kasi eh nalalagay ko yung sarili ko sa sitwasyon, sa wild ba naman ng imagination ko..hihi..

Sa inspirational naman eh wala lang, lessons to be learned na after ko basahin yung libro eh limot ko na rin naman lahat ng nalaman ko sa librong yun so kailangan ko ng mangilan-ngilang re-read para matandaan..haha.!

I find myself really absorbed into what I am reading, that’s why I enjoy reading a lot..
It makes me forget the real world..it makes me oddly happy..

Kailangan ko lang naman pasayahin ang sarili ko kasi malayo ako sa tanging bagay na nakakapagpasaya sakin in a very different way..yung tanging tao sa earth na nag-aabala para sumaya ang isang tulad ko or kahit di man mag-abala pa eh the mere presence is more than enough..

Weird..pero may mga taong ganyan na lang ang epekto sa’tin..nakakabano..nakakamiss..

FALSE. TWISTED. ARTIFICIAL JUDGMENT.

2009-04-16T06:45:00.001-07:00

Why is the world so desperate in making me feel unwanted?

I can’t stop crying, I wanted to talk but I just can’t coz I got nobody to talk to.. i got NOBODY..

I can’t even start making coherent thoughts because of the genuine hatred I’ve never felt for a long time now..

I wanted to hurt them as much as I wanted to hurt myself..

I just need something to release whatever my senses wanted me to do..

I HATE MYSELF..because I can’t stop crying over some things, people, thoughts, which I don’t know if their even worth my time because I’m not even worth an inch of their system..

I wanted to run right now to release this anger I’m dwelling in..but I just can’t coz I have nowhere to go..NOWHERE to go..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day started with my father shouting at us at about 8:15am..

“Parang mga anak ng gobernador!”, referring to us who are still in bed at that time.

He always regarded us as princesslike and lazy because of waking up late. WTH.?! What do you call the people of our age who wake up at lunchtime?

We, “anak ng gobernador” tend to all the chores at home are lazy and unproductive! Plainly hateful, I may say..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had breakfast, after that, he told me that I’ll be the one to cook the viand for lunch..then..he left..

I noticed that he already boiled the monggo but he didn’t give any further instructions after doing so..

Papa is the only one at home who knows how to cook..

Everybody else is clueless when it comes to kitchen work..

If not for Jan Love who just arrived from Lola’s house, I would be totally alien to what I was doing..

She instructed me to sauté this and slice that..

I got irritated by that time because whenever I ask questions, she’ll answer like a superior who knows everything about this planet and I’m one of her constituents who’s so stupid not to know how to slice a piece of meat for the sautéed monggo . I really felt like a total idiot when she talked to me.

She just learned how to cook that from Papa last year, now she’s talking to me like I was a moron messing up the kitchen..

Questions like:

How do I slice this meat? Thin or what?

Do I do the same to the onion? Mince it?

How much pepper?

I was just making sure what I was doing is right..I was just asking questions coz I really don’t know a thing. Would I ask if I already know what to do?! That’s why I’m asking, but it seems I’m forbidden to ask because she’s irritated by my simple questions that needs common sense..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COMMON SENSE..it is a familiar thought people get when they share the same ‘commons’..but the kitchen is not a ‘common’ to me..that’s why we don’t have the same ‘commons’ so she shouldn’t expect me to know what is common to her à Environmental Science and Philosophy combined

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

then Papa arrived from somewhere with so many things to complain, about the not –so-messy- house but a total catastrophe for Him [if you were there you can tell that nothing’s wrong, He just finds fault wherever He goes], the laundry [I just washed clothes yesterday, He wants it everyday I guess], everything..mostly my cooking..

I was ANGRY now, how could he complain that in the first place he never gave even a single instruction on what I need to do..im totally clueless on what I was about to cook then he left without warning.. He has no right to be fuming at me not knowing what to do..how could he?

He was ranting again..as usual..but it hit me hard when he mentioned again about school, books, computers and everything I’m busy about..

“Punong-puno na kasi ang utak mo kaka-computer at kaka-basa, kaya pinapa-delete ko sayo kung ano man ang andyan para may space pa para sa simpleng pagluluto!” he said mocking.

Rational in context, irrational in every sense..

How could he complain about my love for reading novels and using the computer to improve whatever skill I have for using so?

I wanted to shout back, “Buti nga ako hindi nagd-drugs! Wala akong bisyo! Alak at sigarilyo, wala! All I do is be productive with myself in everything I do!”

These are the things that totally distract me from this insignificant life of mine..

It is only when I’m doing this things I’m totally absorbed by the book or the simple commands in photoshop ..these are the things that occupy my mind wholly, leaving no room for things I’ve thought too much of..

Sorrow..pain..longing..emptiness..

“Buti na nga lang at hindi pa ako nagd-drugs o nagbibisyo sa dami ng pinoproblema ko ngayon!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I always do the laundry, fold the clothes when dry, pick up things they used and left it without returning to its rightful places, took charge of my sisters, check if everything is in order, iron clothes at times, in short – I play my role at home..

What more?! Am I still a bad daughter after everything I’ve done that’s why I’m prohibited reading books or using the computer? Is it my fault that after tiring myself with the chores at home I still need to distract myself because it’s the only way to escape my solitude? Is it still my fault?

But instead of saying these things to him, I just kept quiet because I’ll never win over my father..he was always right, at least for himself..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t notice that almost ¼ of the ¼ kg of meat I was slicing was almost crushed, I didn’t notice that while I was listening to him and thinking over stuff I was already mincing the meat that was supposed to be cut in small pieces..

cut in small pieces, not grind them with my own hands..

good thing for him though, because I’m not with myself anymore, I may have stabbed him with the knife in my hands, thanks to the meat in front of me..

then..i started talking to no one..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I finished cooking..went to the living room and got the hoop to do some exercise on releasing my anger..i was half-relieved when I felt sweat coming out from every inch of me..it’s like literally releasing negative energy..

Then Jan Love started babbling about what she was doing, she was editing the missal for our friends wedding..

JL: Manay hindi namin magetz ni Mommy yung pag-bookfold..

M: so bale naka-2 columns lang yan?

JL: May ginawa na sana dun si Mommy kaso inisa-isa niya hindi ko kinopya kasi magulo, yung

dati pa rin yung kinopya ko..

M: Kaya pala ang tagal mong matapos yan kasi ang gulo..

JL: eh hinayaan niyo si Mish guluhin eh!

[ginulo kasi ni Mish(bunso) yung stack of papers kanina]

M: hindi yun ang tinutukoy ko! Yung format ng ginagawa mo..

JL:bakit ka kasi nakikialam eh hindi ka naman nakakatulong?!

M: bakit kasi hindi kayo magpatulong sa marunong?

JL: Wala ka naman kasing alam bakit ka salita ng salita diyan?! Ipapaedit na lang namin ‘to ulit

kay Sir Dennis..

M: Eh yun naman pala eh, hindi mo naman yun sinabi agad so I just suggested!

JL: hindi ka nakakatulong okei?!!

M: Puta! Kahapon ka pa ah!

JL: kahapon ka pa rin! Nagumpisa ka lang maging ganyan dahil sa sinabi kong hindi mo matanggap!

M: eh sino naman kasi tatanggap nun eh wala ka namang alam!

JL: kung ayaw mo mapagsabihan eh di wag ka magkwento! Namimili ka lang kasi ng gusto mong pakinggan sa mga sinasabi ko!

M: you have no right to tell me anything kasi hindi ka naman nakikinig! Kelan man hindi mo ginustong makinig! You don’t have any right!

JL:fine! Di wag ka magkwento para wala kang marinig sakin, tao lang ako, may limitasyon, Diyos lang hindi maiiskandalo sa mga pinaggagagawa mo!

M: kaya nga eh tao ka lang! wala kang karapatan i-judge ako in any way!

JL: wag ka ng magkwento kung ayaw mong makarinig ng kahit ano!

M: fine.! Never.!

JL: [murmured something incomprehensible]

M: TUMIGIL KA NA.!

Then from there I locked myself in our room and started crying..

You may not get the point in our fight but it was really about me yesterday, talking about the status of my complicated lovelife to her like she always does to me.

I got offended when I found her not listening to me because she was texting Eric [her boyfriend] and she really isn’t interested to what I was talking about so she started offending me so that I’d stop talking to her.

She didn’t notice that she hurt my feelings that much so she was surprised when I started to ignore her, so, she ignored me as well to get even I guess..

I’m not that expressive, I dunno how to explain any further, bottomline..

WE QUARELLED..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People I get to deal with everyday are like this so NO ONE COULD EVER BLAME ME why I find it so hard to let go of the only person who treats me as if im the only significant thing in her life..next to God she’s the ONLY person I know who loves me genuinely whoever I was before, who I am now and whoever I will be tomorrow..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i wanna go HOME..

2009-04-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

"And I miss you more every time I think about you" @ 12:51 PM

I feel so down..

Just like literally being chest flat on the floor left with nothing to do with myself..

Or in a exaggerated way..it feels like I’m buried alive..the soil is unexplainably translucent and I’m just staring with nothingness on the flies fluttering above me waiting for me to rot which is impossible because in a few days I’ll be out of this grave just like a resurrecting constipated cat..

I’m bored..stupid me..

Coz I made a quote that goes, “Life is so boring for those who bore themselves.”

In so many ways, im definitely NOT boring MYSELF..

I have tons to do..

Every morning..The routinely sweeping the floor and picking up stuff that made anything in our house messy takes about an hour in my everyday..

With seven of us taking a bath daily, the laundry is always in a mountainous pile..

After they dried under the sun or in the balmy wind, I would be the one to fold them..

Mish is always like an electrified cockroach flying, running, tossing, dancing inside our room which keeps me shouting at her untiringly..

Holy week means it’s a busy week at church..

Preparations for the Paschal Triduum is a tedious task..you wouldn’t understand even if I’ll give my best to explain anyway..so never mind..let’s just say it’s physically, emotionally, socially and mentally stressing, add up the extravagant expenses..whew.! but it’s all WORTH IT in the end..been doing these for five years, proven and tested..

BUT..DESPITE THESE SO MUCH TO DO..

Idle moments seems to be terribly long..

I don’t understand why..i still have free time..

And I spend them..

Reading e-books of the Twilight series..

Reading magazines..

Trying hard to learn Photoshop..

Even harder when it comes to DOTA..

Edit the names in my phonebook..

Sketch cats..

Write in my planner..

Stare at the blank wall and sing to whatever Syg is playing..

Eat anything that suits me in the fridge..

Etcetera..

Nothing productive so far..

I don’t want any second unoccupied because it just drifts my thought abruptly to the one I’m missing so much who I hope misses me insanely as much...

It kinda makes me wanna cry everytime I’ll remember that she’s miles away..i hate it..

It makes me anxious ..much more paranoid..

The distance we have right now makes me realize how the once independent me became very dependent to her..

In everything I do I long for her..i couldn’t even put it into words..you couldn’t even imagine it if ever I did..

Batman without Robin..

Superman without Kryptonite..

Spiderman without MJ..

Tom without Jerry..

Spongebob without Patrick..

Hello Kitty without Dear Daniel..

Minnie without Mickey…

Will without the Heart of Kandrakar…

Shrek without Fiona..

Pooh without Piglet..

Tweety without Sylvester..

Bugs Bunny without a carrot..

Pancit without sahog..

Spaghetti without hotdog and meatballs..

Salad without mayo..

Halo-halo without ice..
Baked Ziti without cheese..

Chocolate Chip cookie without chocolate chips..

Pesto pasta without spinach..

Pastel without the yema filling..

Playing DOTA without buying items..

All those matches combined..

It’s just like the feeling of ME without HER..much worse even..

Weakness hovers over me as I dwell on my loneliness..

I’ve managed to cut anything romantic we had, but to cut what’s left with us now, to be away from her for a very long time, to miss her like a vampire that thirsts human blood for over 7 decades.. that’s too much..

As what Edward said in Twilight, “I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you..”

and i miss you more everytime i think about you

2009-04-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

sweet escape

2009-03-27T05:41:00.000-07:00

para sakin..ito na siguro ang pinaka hindi ko pinag-isipan na blog..hai..

bakasyon ko na..so what.?

nasa Ligao na ako..so what.?

namimiss ko na siya..so what.?

hindi ako lumalabas ng bahay except pag-gabi na pupunta ng church or ngayong gabi na lumabas kami ng kapatid ko para mag-net..so what.?

hai..ewan..gusto ko ng bumalik ng Naga..
kaso April 13, 2009 pa ang pinakahihintay kong araw na may valid reason akong bumalik dun..

ayos na rin kami ni Nakita ngayon..well.,i'd like to think so..

i think.,'moving on' is not the term..

i dunno..kahit magkasalungat pa rin naman ang pananaw namin.,kahit nag-iiyakan pa rin kami everytime na may hindi pinagkakasunduan eh hindi ko alam kung pano ko nasasabing OKEI NA KAMI..

siguro kasi ineenjoy na lang namin ang mga panahon na magkasama kami..that's it..

though hindi kasing saya ng dati pero iba naman kasi yung happiness na meron kami ngayon..
friendly.? i think not..siguro in time we'll just learn how to..
hindi ko rin naman inaasahan na ngayon na yun..i just hope na maitama na talaga namin 'tong sitwasyon..

2 weeks and 4 days kaming di magkikita..
nakatakas ako sa kanya..nakatakas din siya sakin..
the term 'takas' fits.. i dunno why..
hindi naman sa tinatakasan namin ang isa't-isa..
i would just like to think na makakatulong yung mahabang panahon na yun para makontrol ang mga sarili namin at makapagisip-isip sa buhay..ewan..

i miss her badly..

hai..kelan kaya ulit ako makakapag-blog..

im flat broke..so what.?

rawr..sana magsiuwian na ang AstigerZ para may umaabala naman sa napaka-stagnant kong buhay..

wala na akong ibang ginawa kindi maglaro sa laptop..maglaba..magsoundtrip..matulog at kumain..

sana bukas mamalayan ko April 13 na..gusto ko na siya makita..

DISCONNECTED

2009-03-15T06:52:00.000-07:00

Kung kelan patapos na ang sem.,nawawala ang ID ko..

Nawawala rin ang SRA Certificate na pinaghirapan kong matapos at makuha sa loob ng dalawang sem..

Hindi ko pa naaasikaso ang INC ko kay Mam Garol sa Christology..

0% ako sa Midterms sa English kaya yung 100% eh automatic 80% na lang at ngayong Finals eh ramdam kong wala man lang akong nagawa upang bawiin yun..

Bagsak ang karamihan ng quizzes ko sa Envi Sci..

Hindi na ako nakikinig sa lectures ni Sir Toots sa favorite kong subject na COMM..

Hindi ko pa rin tapos ang journal at reflection paper tungkol sa immersion na supposed to be eh last last week pa ang deadline..

Pakiramdam ko ako’y isang lobo na hinihipan hanggang sa nasobrahan,tapos tinali, pinakawalan, at ngayon ay sumasabay na lang kung san tangayin ng hangin..parang lobo pakiramdam ko wala akong laman at kahit anong oras na madikitan ng kahit anong bagay ay puputok na lang, maglalaho, di na makikita kailanman..

Ewan..I mean nothing’s going right, my life’s a mess..

I just dunno what to do with myself..

I may sound stupid but everything seems to be worthless..

I know she’s tired already but the fucking fact is that I can’t go on with my life without her by my side..

She’s moving on..i’m STRANDED..what a shame..

I JUST THOUGHT

2009-03-05T05:42:00.000-08:00

Its raining..

Yet, last night I saw the sky, clear, shimmering with lights..

Well..

i guess..

The star studded sky was never meant to be a sign to a bright and sunny day..

Now..

it’s raining..

and I’m soaking wet..

I WAS NEVER A GOOD ACTRESS

2009-03-04T05:32:00.000-08:00

I’m not a good actress..actually Jenn said I was a lousy one..

Kahit pa sandamakmak ng theatre or acting workshop na ang pinagdaanan ko eh why can’t I use my knowledge on that thing on these kind of situations..

Yea..i know I’m stupid..

ITINAMA ko lang ang MALI..

Yan ang tanging naisasagot ko sa mga taong nag-aabalang magtanong kung buhay pa ba ako..

Actually, I’m dying..i’m killing myself..

Naniniwala na lang ako sa bible na ‘we need to die in order to gain life’..
Naniniwala na lang ako sa tinuro sa Philo class namin na ‘every end is a beginning, every beginning is an end..’

Everything is suffocating..kahit pa sabihing nagpapansinan na kami or what..

It’s so hard to restrain myself from holding her hand,touching her hair, clasping her arms, hugging her, kissing her..it’s killing me..

Ito na yata yung sinasabing ‘so near yet so far’..

I know I don’t have to right to complain coz it was my decision but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have the right to be hurt by that decision and by every action I need to take that comes with it..

Honestly, I’m not doin’ well..

Every morning I don’t know where I get the strength to get out of bed..parang gusto ko na lang mahiga maghapon..paliguan ng luha si Baby Stripe..hintaying gumabi at matulog na lang ulit..

Napaka-emo..unproductive..miserable..yan ang mga madalas na comment nila sakin ngayon..

What the heck.?! Haven’t you experienced being torn into pieces and those tiny pieces were scattered where you can never find them..

How do I feel? I feel empty..

Para akong nakatali sa isang upuan habang pinapanuod siyang mapilitang layuan ako, pinapanuod siyang mapilitang hindi gawin ang mga bagay na nakakapagpasaya samin, pinapanuod siyang unti-unting mawalan ng pag-asa na may ‘kami’ pa, pinapanuod siyang masaktan ng bawat kibot ko na hindi naman talaga ayon sa gusto kong gawin,pinapanuod siyang mapilitang huwag na lang akong mahalin..

Ewan ko..everything is just so painful to the point na hindi mo na alam kung anong gagawin sa sarili mo..

Bestfriends..ganun kami..parang lumulunok ako ng libo-libong bala ng stapler kapag sinasabi ko yun..

Gusto kong isipin na isa itong malaking gaguhan pero hindi pa naman sakin nawawala yung pag-asa na magiging ayos din kami sa ganitong sitwasyon opagdating ng tamang panahon..

Sabi ko nga sa kanya eh sana may guidelines or may school na lang para sa ‘Art of Moving On’..

Monday nangyari..

Nung Tuesday eh mghapon akong ngumawa, maghapon siyang umarte na as if everything’s fine and under control..maghapon niyang kasama ang CC11 samantalang ako eh pinagtyagaan na lang ni Kate at Chan na samahan na magmukmok sa classroom at sa my kubo..

Ngayong araw na’to eh maghapon kaming magkasama kasama ang CC11 na as if walang nangyari..magkadikit lagi like the usual ‘us’..at maraming di naniniwala na mag-bestfriends na lang nga kami..

Two very different days..totally opposite from each other..

Now I’m just afraid on what’s gonna happen tomorrow..

Baka iba nanaman kasing coping mechanisms ang i-try namin..

Pagod na’ko umiyak..pagod na rin ako magpigil..di ko na alam kung ano gagawin ko bukas..

Hindi ko kakayaning iwasan niya pa ako..napakaselfish ko.,I know..

MUCH HAS BEEN SAID

2009-03-03T05:03:00.001-08:00

Pain..

That’s all there is left now..

I don’t know what to do..

i don’t know what’s gonna happen next..

I don’t know how to face the world without her holding my hands..

Pain..

That’s all I feel for now..

Seems like I’m numb to the other realities of the world..

The only reality left is the ME without HER..

Pain..

That’s all I know for now..

Everything vivid turned to motionless statues or black and white sketches..

Everything tangible turned to ash when touched..

Everything heard turned to non-sensical noises that fills my head and makes me want to blend
to it and vanish into eternity as the echo goes further..

Everything turned to nothing..

All that matters doesn’t matter anymore to me now coz the only thing that matters wants to drift away and search for the tiny pieces I’ve scattered..

I’m not regretting anything coz I know what we had was something far beyond special..that it’s okei that I’m hurting now coz I know what I’m crying about was all worth it..

She may wish that she shouldn’t have loved me from the start..it’s painful to hear that because for me it’s okei that im hurting now, its fine with me coz I know what we had may have not lasted but it doesn’t mean that it isn’t real.. it doesn’t mean it isn’t true..

Ash Green Wednesday

2009-02-25T05:01:00.000-08:00

Nakagreen ako ngayong araw na’to..

As in lahat green..shirt..rubbershoes..earrings..etc..

Wala lang nashare ko lang..kasi naman andami ring nakagreen eh..asar..

Sa Philosophy, apat kaming nakagreen, sa Envi Sci tatlo, sa English apat din..

Tapos paguwi ko ng Ligao nung hapon, si Kuya Onin nakagreen din..and tatlo pa sa mga
kaCommunity ko ang nakagreen..

What’s with green anyway?

All I know eh ang green eh hindi kaaya-aya sa paningin ko at paborito siyang kulay ng bestfriend kong si Nicole, Mi Cara [si Kate] at ng seat mate ko sa Philo at English na si Kevin..

Well siguro eh dumadami na lang talaga at nagiging normal na ang pagiging green-minded sa mga panahong ‘to..haha.! konek..

Ash Wednesday ngayon at for 18 years of my life eh ngayon lang ako kumain ng karne sa araw na’to..

Nagikot-ikot kasi ang NANAKAJENN sa mga booths sa Xavier Hall kasi Business Week..then yun..bumili kami ng kung anu-ano na nakita namin sa mga booth..actually si Naxcz lang naman pala yung gumagastos kasi siya lang naman may pera sa araw na’to..haha.!

At yun nga sa last booth na natapatan namin eh bumili siya ng ham and cheese filled pandesal..

Yari ako..gutom na rin kasi ako nun kaya nakalimutan or kinalimutan kong Ash Wednesday nga pala..

Bakit nga ba bawal kumain ng karne sa araw na’to.?

Ang alam ko lang eh it’s one of the ways that you’ll deprive yourself of something you usually have or something you want to have for penance or for fasting..

Pagdating ko ng Ligao dumeretso ako sa church kasi akala ko may Ash Wednesday Rites..wala naman pala..badtrip..nagsayang pa’ko ng pamasahe at di ko pa nakasabay nag-dinner ang asawa ko..niawr..

Pero siguro pinagpag-fasting din ako for this day sa mga tanging bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa’kin..

Pagpasok ko sa church para magpalagay ng abo sa noo, wala nang tao..

Buti na lang at nahagilap ko pa si Kuya We [caretaker or Mayordomo sa church] at nagmano lang ako at sinabing wala pa akong chorvaloo sa noo..hayun.nagbihis siya bigla ng pang-Lay Minister tapos nilagyan na’ko ng chuvalin..

May kasunod akong mag-ama, yung batang babae eh mukhang 3 - 4 years old or something na humabol din last minute sa pagpapalagay ng abo..

Pagakatapos nila lagyan ng chuvalin sa noo..

Bicol-Ligao:

Girl: Pa..uno kadto.? Uno kadto.?
[Pa, ano yun.? Ano yun.?]
Papa: sus.! Amu kadto pinagabutang sa mga akus na matutugas kan payo..
[sus.? Yun ang nilalagay sa mga batang matitigas ang ulo]

Muntik-muntik na akong humagalpak sa kakatawa kasi parang kung may capacity lang yung bata sumagot eh baka sinabi niya na “Pa, does that mean na isa ka ring batang matigas ang ulo kasi meron ka rin niyang chuvalin na yan sa noo mo.?” Saying hindi pa marunong bumanat yung bata..haha.!

Basta ako ang alam ko lang eh nilalagay yun sa noo natin to remind us na we came from ashes and we’ll return to ashes when our body dies..it is also a reminder na punain muna natin ang sarili nating dumi sa mukha bago natin punain ang dumi sa mukha ng iba..

All I Need is YOU

2009-02-16T04:58:00.000-08:00

this is our 5th happy happy.! Well.,,sa bilang niya..haha.!

ayoko nga nagbibilang eh..kasi wala naman talaga makapagsabi kung kelan nagumpisa
lahat..diba.?

nung morning binigyan niya ako ng chocolate..tapos she thought na wala man lang akong kahit ano for her..

di ko nun dala si Syg kaya di ko alam kung kanino hihiram ng laptop..hai..

but everything ended up just right dahil after we had dinner eh niyaya ko siyang magpunta ng compshop..akala niya I’ll just check out something sa mga accounts ko but she was surprised [I guess] nung pinanuod ko na siya nung slideshow ng pictures namin and everything na ginawa ko using MovieMaker..

in fairness.,first time ko nakatapos ng project using MovieMaker..haha.!

yun yung gift ko for her sa araw na yun..sana mailagay ko yun dito sa blog ko in the future para makita niyo..hihi..

‘eto yung song na nagpplay sa end part nung ‘thingy’[di ko alam kung ano itatawag dun eh..haha.!] na ginawa ko..

.All i need is YOU. – The Click Five

You’re scared
It shows
Been there
You’re not prepared
To be
in love
With me
So soon cause you’ve been through enough to have
Something hold you back
.
We don’t need to go that far
Let’s hold on to where we are
If it’s real we’ll make it through
Coz all I need is you
.
They say
Don’t waste
Your time
They’re obviously blind
.
So let’s
Forget
The words the thoughts they put into your head
Don’t give up just yet
.
We don’t need to go that far
Let’s hold on to where we are
If it’s real we’ll make it through
Coz all I need is you
.
We don’t need the world right now
We got time to work it out
Hold on tight, I’ll hold on too
Coz all I need is –
.
Baby, maybe we should start somewhere
Baby, let me in your heart
Before we fall apart
.
We don’t need to go too far
Let’s hold on to who we are
If it’s real we’ll make it through
Coz all I need is you
.
We don’t need the world right now
We got time to work it out
Hold on tight, I’ll hold on too
Coz all I need is you
All I need is you
All I need is you

I just love songs na tipong siya na yung nagsasalita in my behalf..

I COULD NOT ASK FOR MORE

2009-02-14T04:54:00.000-08:00

omg..this was the first time I had a date on this special day..
although it was an indoor date, it was worth it to be called ‘first’..

days before 14 we already talked about it, but there were no concrete plans on where to go and what to do..

all we know is we’re both preparing for this day..

I was busy looking for our ‘wedding ring’ and I know she’s up to something coz i saw her buy a jar of strawberry jam..hihi..

We counted the hours that we’d spend together..
we got 12pm to 4pm..4 hours..
coz I need to go home to Ligao coz it’s Papa’s birthday..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never saw her in the morning, just greeted her via sms..

We saw each other at their WorldLit class coz I sat in to watch Kate perform as Sarah in their play “Major Barbara”..

They were dismissed early so I thought I still had a chance to prepare the things I’ve missed in the morning..i left her with Kate and Jenn ..

I prepared myself and looked as pretty as I could ..i was nearly ready..

But then,i thought she’d just wait for me at the office but she just texted me that she’ll be eating lunch with the family because her mom demands so..

Then..me..as the usual pessimist..thought that everything was already ruined..i was consciously counting the minutes we should’ve spent with each other…I thought she’s neglecting me again..

She told me she’d be back by 1pm..i was furious coz the 4hour date was reduced to 3hrs..damn..

I just cried and stared impatiently at the blue rose I got near my laptop which I automatically thought that it was for me, she left it there to surprise me when I’m about to get Syg..assuming enough..

About 12:30 she texted me that she’s already waiting in front of our boarding house..

Then as I went out, I saw her with Lola Lola..omg.! with lotsa tupperwares with them..

I was really shocked.!

I ushered them inside, then Lola Lola reminded her of so many things, then left..

We were left alone at the boarding house because everybody there was out for a date or something..

I was speechless..all I could do was smile..smile..smile at her while she was preparing the table for us to eat the Korean BBQ Chicken, French fries, soup and the “Nakita Strawberry Mousse Cake a’la mode” [ngayon ko lang narealize na dapat ganun ang pangalan nun..haha.!] SHE PREPARED FOR US..

Yea..just like my birthday..she cooked for me again..awww..the sweetest things in life..

She even brought a cd that plays love songs full-time and played through Syg..haha.! to be more romantic she said..mushy squishy sweet..

Then..

We ate, we talked, we ate, we talked, we danced and repeatedly told each other ‘I love you’..

Well..so why the title of this blog?

Coz that song simply explains everything happened and everything I felt during these very precious moments..this is one of the songs that played during our date..

“These are the moments I thank God that I’m alive..These are the moments I have waited all my life..i found all I’ve waited for and I could not ask for more..”

Tear duct overflow

2009-02-12T21:43:00.000-08:00

I tried to sleep early to avoid crying too much..

But I ended up bringing out Syg [my laptop]..

played her video [several times] doing Iris of Googoo dolls on the keyboard..

barely listening to the song., plainly looked at how her hand moved across the keys..

got her almost-empty bottle of perfume and sprayed it on Stripe [the teddy bear she gave me last
Christmas]..hugged Stripe as tightly as I could..inhaling the perfume..

looked intently at the ring I’m wearing, wondered how long it would stay around my fingers..

tried to avoid looking at our picture pasted on the wall..

stared at the left over mashed potato we had for dinner, tried to eat but everything seemed to be tasteless..

everything seemed to be senseless..

i feel so numb..

I feel so dumb..

This is the first time someone told me those things..

Things you knew from the start yet you’d only start to believe when someone tells you..

Things that are very true, things that hurts more when the one you love the most tells you straight to your face those things you could never admit..

Things that would cause you great difficulty in looking back at her again because of too much shame on yourself..

Suddenly, my plan of sleeping early was totally ruined..

It’s already 1:55am..

Still I’m hugging stripe, smelling the perfume and looking at our picture on the wall while playing the video..

Somehow the wonderment why my tear glands aren’t drying up yet irritates me..

I’m already tired yet why can’t I stop making mute sobs here just to keep my boardmates asleep..

Avoiding or immersing in my feelings.?

Either way I can’t breathe..i just don’t know what to do now..

All I know is I’m scared..scared that sooner or later she’ll give up because she’s already fed up..

Not yet too late when not yet over

2009-02-10T20:01:00.000-08:00

This day started as a disaster..

BIO REPORT

I slept at around 4am because of the unfinished powerpoint presentation for our report in Biology about the Circulatory System..

The hell..I was really furious when the reporter just ruined everything..i mean I’ve put all my efforts into that presentation..ppt..handouts..script..the whole report mostly was from my efforts..at minsan lang ako mag-effort..kaya ako nanghihinayang dahil yung minsan na yun ay nasayang pa..bwiset..para kasing patay na nagsasalita tungkol sa paglalaslas yung reporter..

Napuyat..napagod..nagalit..unsatisfied..

Yan ang rason kung bakit sunod-sunod ang kabadtripan ko..

...................................................................................................................

kRiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnggGG.!!!

Inasikaso ko pa yung toooooooot kaya pagod na pagod ako..[malalaman niyo na lang yan sa mga susunod ko pang blogs]
hihi..

Ilang araw na akong pabalik-balik sa centro kakahanap nun..whew.!

Ganun pala kahirap magbigay ng isang bagay para sa taong mahal mo..

Yung tipong dapat perfect sa paningin niya kaya dapat piliin mong mabuti, hindi yung basta-basta lang..maghahanap ka talaga..

Ganun pala feeling nun..

...................................................................................................................

AWAY MODE

Nag-away pa kami dahil sa mga selosan at deadmahan..naku naku.! I admit na selosa talaga ako..ilang tao na ang nakadiskusyon ko dahil sa pagiging overpossesive ko..well..possessive din naman siya ah..

Sorry pala ulit kay Conch kung nadamay siya sa kabadtripan ko sa buhay..

Pataasan kasi ng pride ang laban namin ni Nakita..

ultimong kung sino ang unang bababa sa kinauupuan namin at bababa ng Xavier papunta sa klase dahil time na, eh big deal dahil ang ibig sabihin nun eh pagbaba na rin ng pride..whew.!

yan tuloy parehas kami late..rawr.!

omg.! Hindi ko alam kung pano ko siya natatagalan at hindi ko rin alam kung pano niya ako napagtitiisan..

...................................................................................................................

FILIPINO DRAMA TIRA

Pagdating ko naman sa Filipino eh hinihintay na pala ako ng mga groupmates ko dahil nasa akin yung papel na ipapass namin..

Spell TANGA…N-A-G-I-E..ampf..

Si Kuya Grey naman eh full support sakin nung kumontra yung bading naming kaklase sa nireport ko about TIRA..nafeel niya siguro na kailangan ko ng moral boost sa mga panahong yun..haha.!

Well..mas mabuti talaga na creepy clones na lang kami..i think it will work better for both of us..

Sa note nga na pinasa niya through our classmate eh sabi niya eh makakabangon din daw siya..i really hope so..kasi alam ko naman na cleared na ako na sa kung anu man ang gusto niyang mangyari eh ayaw ko..

Hindi kami talo..masyado siyang perpekto, never ko siyang minahal pwera na lang being creepy clones..ayoko nun..

...................................................................................................................

NSTP GAMES

Galit-galit pa rin kami nung NSTP na..

Alam ko pikon na pikon na siya sakin nun kasi nagdadabog na ang lola niyo..

Binigay na ni Mam Jud yung permit namin para sa immersion..hai..hindi ko tuloy naexpress yung excitement ko sa kanya kasi nga nag-aaway kami..hindi niyo lang alam how hard it was to keep it to myself..toinx.!

Tapos biglang inannounce ni Mam Jud na maglalaro daw kami..

The boat is sinking..

Paint me a picture..

At yung nagustuhan ko sa lahat eh yung Shoe Craze kasi dun kami nagkabati ni Nakita..

Wala lang kinuha niya yung sapatos ko at kinuha ko rin sapatos niya, fashion show ecklavoo at after that pagbalik ng shoes sa may-ari eh nagkabati na lang kami bigla dahil parehas na kami nakamove on kakatawa sa lahat ng nangyari sa mga oras nay un..buti na lang at sadyang nakakatawa ang CC11..hai..

Isinuot niya sakin yung shoes na parang siya si Prince Charming at ako naman si Cinderella..kornilig.! haha.!

...................................................................................................................

UNPLANNED DATE

At dahil nga nagkabati na kami eh nagkasundo nanaman kaming wag munang pumunta ng office and decided na pumunta ng centro at magliwaliw..

gusto lang namin lumayo sa mga tao sa office, lumabas ng Ateneo at masolo ang isa’t-isa..
at yun nga right then and there we made up our minds na sumakay ng tricycle at pumunta sa E-Mall..

Pumasok ng Penshoppe..naglakad-lakad..hinatak ko siya sa Marcella’s..pinagod ang sarili sa pagkkwentuhan habang naglalakad at nilibre niya ako ng McFlurry..dun lang kami sa 2nd floor naupo..tumambay..nag-usap at nakiramdam sa isa’t-isa..nag-enjoy..

About quarter to five we decided na bumaba na at pumunta ng Book Sale as we usually do kapag pumapasok sa E-Mall..wala lang..kinasanayang maghanap ng libro kahit hindi naman bibili..hihi..

Tapos naglakad na kami pabalik ng Ateneo kasi mag-uusap ang NANAKAJENN..reconnection ba..haha.!

Hai..ang masasabi ko lang eh she really knows what to do kapag sinusumpong ako..parang bata lang na pinasyal at binili ng ice cream..haha.! abusadang bata..

Well..i enjoyed a lot kasi kahit nag-aaway kami halos araw-araw eh we still know how to make up after everything stupid we’ve done..

...................................................................................................................

NANAKAJENN

Late na kami nakapag-usap ng NANAKAJENN kasi kinausap pa ni Jenn si Achie at kausap rin ni Ate Marj si Kate..

Dun kami sa 2nd Batibot mula Xavier Hall..the usual “Emo Spot” kapag nag-uusap kaming apat..

Inupdate ang isa’t-isa sa kung anu-anung mga issue sa buhay..

Kung ano ang plano sa nalalapit ng balentayms..[skiri, 1st time ko magkakaroon ng date]

At sawakas eh nasabi ko na rin ang plano namin ni Naxcz na resignation..

Ang inakala kong madramang tagpo eh turned out to be a very jolly conversation between us four..

I knew Jenn and Kate would understand, I just dunno how to tell them and I also don’t want to hurt them kasi alam ko naman kung gano na nila kamahal ang Pillars..

Thank God, He gave me close friends that would always wish for my happiness and would support me in any decision
I’ve come up with..

...................................................................................................................

This day started as a disaster but it doesn’t mean that it will end disastrously too..

Para lang siyang cordon bleu o hamonado na nakabalot sa pambalot ng tuyo at tinapa..

MASAYA..ang saya-saya..^^,…

Half Empty

2009-02-07T18:56:00.000-08:00

Dear hello kitty,

Kabanuan ang gawing diary ang blog na’to..

Pero diba ang blog eh supposed to be an online diary.?

Well..

Wala lang akong masabi sa ngayon pero actually andami ko dapat sabihin..

Waah.! Ang gulo.!

Nainspire lang talaga yata ako dun sa homily ni Fr. Bob dun sa mass kanina..

Sabi niya when God created man,the human heart was really shaped like a valentine heart but He kept the other half with Him and gave us the other..

Maybe that is why sometimes we feel incomplete..

We tend to search for that other half..

We are left here on earth in an unending search for happiness..
true happiness..

We search for fulfillment at work..

We search for success at school..

We search for wealth in material possessions..

We search for happiness in our self-worth and achievements..

Kumbaga we are searching for the other half of our hearts para maging masaya tayo
sa mga MALING LUGAR..

Hindi natin hinahanap yung kalahati ng puso natin kung saan tayo tunay na magiging masaya..

Only in Him we can find what’s missing within us..

But we always deny that truth..

One more thing Iv’e thought of, we can never give our hearts and our whole self to the people we love if we ourselves are incomplete..

xOxO,
nagieta

ACTIVISM.DOWANNALISN.RESIGNASHEN.

2009-02-06T23:30:00.000-08:00

Putangina.!

Dapat hindi na lang bumusina yung driver ng van kanina ..
Para natuluyan na lang mamadali ang buhay ko.. [emow.!]

Asar..papunta kasi ako nun sa Ink Cyber para magpaprint ng lintek na program para sa UMALAB-CA launching kasi anutusan ako ni Kuya Fuy [as usual] ng patawid ako sa Ateneo Avenue sa harap ng Fontana, for the hundredth time eh hindi nanaman ako nag STOP LOOK and LISTEN before I crossed the street..

So hayun galit sakin si KuyaMamaManongDriver ng van ng bumusina siya at tinitigan ako na parang hinihiling na nasagasaan niya na lang sana ako para nabawasan ang mga tatanga-tanga sa kalsada na tulad ko..

Sana nasagasaan na lang ako kaysa naman patuloy ko pang nagawa ang mga bagay na taliwas naman sa mga pinaniniwalaan ko..

Kasi naman..Anong UMALAB-CA.?

Aba malay ko rin basta ang alam ko ay acronym yun ng
Ugnayan na mga MAmamayang LAban sa Balikatan – Cam Sur A
[ewan.! Ang haba kasi..basta yun na yun..mga aktibistang tinatawag..]

Hell.! Hindi ako aktibista at never kong pinangarap maging isa sa kanila..
Siguro dati eh naCurious din ako kung ano ang pakiramdam maging aktibista pero hinding-hindi sumagi sa isip ko kailanman na gusto kong magsisisigaw sa daan habang ipinaglalaban ang isang bagay na alam mo namang walang patutunguhan..

Bakit walang patutunguhan.?

Kasi ang mga aktibista ay mga taong naghahangad ng pagbabago sa sistema ng gobyerno, sa sistema ng pamamahala ng mga namumuno, sa sistema ng bansa..sa lahat ng kabulukan ng mga pulitiko..

Naghahangad ng pagbabago sa iba samantalang hindi man lang nag-abalang baguhin muna ang sarili nilang sistema bago nag-ambisyon ng pagbabago sa kung ano mang sistema ang inaayawan nila..

Wala akong galit sa mga aktibista..let them do their thing as long as they let me do mine..

Kaso kapag nasa Pillars ka eh wala kang choice..well.,kailan ba nawalan ng choice.?
lagi nilang sasabihin na may choice kami kaso ano naman ang magagawa mo kung mandated ang ganito at ordered na ganito and ganun..

Only solution I can think of.? Resignation Letter..

Marami pa akong pwedeng pasukan na orgs at alam ng lahat ng tao sa earth na hindi ko forte ang pagsusulat..marami akong pwedeng gawin at pagkaabalahan..masyado lang akong nakukulong sa publiication kaya hindi ko magawa ang mga bagay na dati ko ng ineenjoy nun..mga bagay na alam kong may patutunguhan ang pinagpapaguran ko..

Ang tanging pumipigil na lang sakin sa pag-alis ay ang katotohanan na sa pub kami naging close ni Naxcz,Kate at Jenn..

Dito nabuo ang NANAKAJENN..

Dito ko nakilala ang astig na sila Ekai at Piwi..

Dito ko naging asawa ang asawa ko..

Dito ko nakilala ang mga taong may pinanghahawakan sa pagiging makabayan..

Dito ko nakilala si Kuya Grey na creepy clone ko..

Dito ko naranasan maging ‘at home’ sa Ateneo..

Ito ang tanging lugar na nagsilbing tambayan ko sa mga unang buwan ko sa Ateneo..

Ito ang tanging lugar na naqgkakaroon ng oras makapagusap at makapagtrabaho ang NANAKAJENN..
at

Ito ang tanging org na alam kong magkakasama kami ng asawa ko..

Yun na lang..wala ng iba..

Kaya nakapagdesisyon na akong umalis na lang dahil alam kong ito ang makakabuti para sakin..alam kong masaya ako sa desisyon ko dahil naniniwala naman akong hindi nababase sa Pillars Publication ang pagkakaibigang namuo dito..sa Pillars nga siya nagsimula pero ang pag-alis dito ay hindi nangangahulugang ito ang katapusan ng pagkakaibigang ito..

Simula lang ‘to ng hamon samin na kung kaya pa ba namin maging NANAKAJENN kahit wala ng Pillars na tatali saming tatlo sa anumang gawain..
Oo.,madrama ako..kaibigan ko kasi sila..

K.S.P. ako.

2009-01-29T20:05:00.000-08:00

ngayon lang ulit..ngayon lang 'to..

hai..

here i am..solo flight..sa Coko Cafe..fresh from a walkout scene..
nagbBlog or mas mainam nang sabihin na nagrRant..

AGITATED

that's how i feel right now..

panu ba naman eh nagkapikunan nanaman kami..

i dont wanna go into so much detail kasi lalo lang ako naaasar..

there are days na superlambing niya at ako ang wala sa mood,

there are also days na ako yung nasa happy_mode tapos siya yung nasa walang-pakialam_mode, well, unfortunately this is just one of those irritating days..

days that'd push you to go-home-and-sleep or go-somewhere-else-and-eat-a-lot mood..

she's naturally sweet as i may say but i know not all people would be like this and like that consistently everyday..i understand that..

what agitates me is that i'm doing my best to make her feel better,still,i'm useless as ever..she would never notice the efforts..she would never notice me trying hard to be noticed..wth.?!

hindi ako ganito sa kung sinong tao lang diyan..
heck..
nagpapapansin lang ako sa mga taong hindi ako mabubuhay na wala sila..

family..bestfriend..siya..

hindi ko kailangan magpapansin [modesty aside] kasi alam ko namang kahit hindi ako magpapansin ay may papansin at may papansin sakin..

either sa kakulitan ko..sa kaingayan ko..sa itsura ko..sa porma ko..sa mood ko..sa ugali ko..sa friendster[char.!]..sa katabaan ko..sa kakyutan ko [modesty aside diba] at sa kung anuanu pa..may magkcomment at may magkcomment dyan..

kaso di ko malaman kung bakit may mga taong..uhh..yung mga tao pa mismo na gusto mong makapansin sayo ang hindi nakakapansin sa gusto mong mapansin nila..

asar..that's the best word to describe the feeling..

wala lang naasar lang talaga ako kaya bigla akong napablog ng wala sa oras..

alam ko may kasalanan rin ako,masyado lang akong ma-pride to admit it right now,
yan tuloy namimiss ko nanaman kasi hindi niya ako sinundan nung nagwalkout ako,ayaw niya pa siguro akong makausap o masilayan ang nakasimangot kong pagmumukha..

sige next time ulit..kapag hindi na masyado negative energy ang tinatype ko..

body and blood

2009-01-17T05:08:00.000-08:00

I haven’t taken the communion since December because I haven’t confessed yet..

But I never knew before then that it was this difficult to deprive yourself of drinking His blood and eating His body..

i never felt so ashamed of myself..

i never felt so unworthy of His love..

just now..

i can feel it’s excruciating effect on me..

maybe nobody except my brothers and sisters at church can understand what I mean..

I feel so full of life yet empty of His’ love..

I never wanted to be a pagan..

it’s just that circumstances pushes me to be and proves me to be one..

anyway..i’ll still stick to the fact that no matter what, He loves me so much and He’ll do everything just to bring me back..

mi unica uno

2009-01-16T05:20:00.000-08:00

..Roxanne Jessa Plopinio Jacutan..

purely random..

.16 years 7 months as of today
.First year college taking up AB Communications
.Graduated at Naga City Science High School
.Talented..need enumeration.?
.Okei..
.Been the Feature Editor in their high school publication.
.Promoted as a Staff Writer of ThePILLARS within a semester.
.Praised as one who does articles brilliant as well as fast.
.She knows how to sketch and draw neatly and artistically.
.She’s one of the best writers I’ve ever met.
.She’s a great blogger that’s why she convinced me unknowingly that blogging is a good stuff to express myself and how I feel about things.
.She knows how to play the piano and she does it well.
.She played my fave song Iris without a copy [I guess] and even took it’s video through a digicam just to show it to me on our “happy happy” [monthsary as she calls it]
.She knows how to play the guitar and she does it better..
.She can’t dance ‘coz she doesn’t want to, but I know if ever she’ll have the will she CAN..
.She knows how to sing, not tone deaf like me..
.She could be a great cook/chef someday, I went crazy over the carbonara and mashed potatoes she prepared for my birthday..wish you’re there so I had witnesses and tasted it,too.
.She’s the sweetest in this universe. Mushy at times.. J
.She’s like a cat. Niaw.niaw.niaw..
.She purrs like one and acts like one most of the time specially when there’s nothing to do or when there’s so much to do.
.She kisses passionately as if there’s no tomorrow.
.She hugs tenderly that’s why I never want to let go whenever I’m in her arms.
.She hates vegetables.
.She loves stuff labeled with Bench, Penshoppe, Human, Oxygen, etc.
.She loves polo shirts with stripes.
.She doesn’t care about money when she sees something she’s really dying to buy.
.She hates her pimples a lot.
.She hates it when we’re talking about boobs.Haha.!
.She looks like a conyo but she’ll never admit that she really is.
.She’s a music lover that when you play any song she can sing along with it.
.She’s addicted to coffee and coke.
.She’s talented when it comes to the software adjustments of a computer.
.Her favorite color is purple.
.She loves Mickey Mouse.
.She loves cats but hates Hello Kitty. Niawr.
.She has enormous hands and feet.
.Sha hates using an umbrella.
.She loves to answer people 'ewan' or 'wala lang' even if she has so many things to say just to cut the conversation short.
.She loves ranting. [to chosen people only]
.She always tells me that she moved on already when i've hurt her even if it means that she still needs the whole night to move on the next morning.
.She always smells great.
.She's an Obsessive Compulsive [OC] type.
.She's damn time conscious. She always looks at her watch and can give you the number of minutes you took a bath or how long you were out of her sight.
.She drinks water like bird [just a sip].
.She loves reading Michael Crichton and some other authors i dont know.Haha.!
.She's hard to please, that's why i just love it whenever i make her smile.
.Sometimes she gets too predictable that's why i know how to counteract.Haha.!
.She's an auditory learner.
.She hates averybody who likes me as much as she does.
.She's possessive and i'm loving every proof of it.
.She loves gummy worms.
.She would really look more beautiful than her ate if she'd be a girly girl.

I can still tell you so many things about her but I lack time in telling you everything..maybe i'll have another post in continuation for this one..

I also don’t know her that much yet that’s why I’ll stop for now..

Actually, I wanna say ‘I know nothing about her’ or ‘I have no opinion on who she really is’ coz I would never want to box her within my ideas on who she is.
She still has the freedom to change herself or whatever she wishes to. I can never put an end to my knowledge of who she is because the only constant thing in this world is change therefore she is still subject to those changes.

And I just love her no matter what those changes will be.

ain't no sunshine on a rainy night

2009-01-07T03:19:00.000-08:00

I failed school, I failed you..

sitting alone in this half empty bus with a half empty heart..

tears trickle down my cheeks unnoticed, leaving the neckline of my shirt all wet..

it was just a minute after you left and I sat down when I took out my pen and paper to write this entry..

i could never have any better outlet at this time, instead of making the other passengers notice me sobbing, I just took out this stuff to write things out..

i thought this was enough..well, before it was..but now, I’m writing and crying at the same time..

i know you did that because of me..

even if I may sound assuming, I know this time I was right..
even though you tried to conceal the real reason..i knew it already even before I asked you..

you skipped class because of me..
because of the stupid me..
you skipped class to waste your time with me..
you skipped class to make me feel better..
you skipped class because you wanted to hug me..to calm me down..

to calm me because you felt how bothered I was because I got zero for the whole term in English..

i got zero because I didn’t give any effort in finishing my course project we we’re working on together..

i have disappointed you and Kate, I know how much effort you’ve put in that project of mine…

i have disappointed you in making me feel better coz I was so worried about the lesson you missed in Theology..i know you know how important it is to attend classes right.?

and I would never want to be the reason why you skipped one..
that’s why you never gave me that answer when I was asking you,
“Give me a valid reason kung bakit di ka papasok sa Theo.?”
all you could tell me was,
“Wala lang, ayoko lang, isn’t that reason enough.? Wala rin naman akong mauunawaan if I would stay there..”

at wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang ulit-ulitin ang tanong na yunkahit na alam ko na rin naman yung sagot..stupid me..

you just dunno how much I wanted to kiss you when you looked straight into my eyes in front of my boarding house..

you just dunno how much I wanted to hug you inside the tricycle..

i just dunno how to because we were so cold at each other..

now, this is the second time that we parted ways still cold to each other and not clearing things up..

if I could just stay with you..
if I wouldn’t have to go home for church..
things would’ve been much better now..hai..

if I could just make you feel that your effort to make me feel better warmed my chilling heart the moment you told me that all you wanted was to hug me..

but I was so senseless, maybe because I was pointless at that time because of that damned project..

i told you natutuwa ako, hindi lang obvious..
you told me na hindi mo talaga makikita coz I’m really not..

and as far as I remember, all I said was.,
“okei.,mahabang byahe ‘to..mahabang iyakan..i suck..i failed school..i failed you..i fail everything..”

while walking right into the bus I told myself that I’m such a loser..phew..

now look how fucking stupid I am..
still alone in this almost full bus..
yet still with a half empty heart..

P.S.

the hug you wanted to give me.?
i was waiting for that eons ago.,I mean, like, since I entered AR213 and you weren’t there yet..
i waited..
but had no strength to tell you when you were already there..
had no strength to tell you that that was all I needed to regain all the self-esteem lost the moment I walked out of English class..

P.P.S.

it was raining really hard the whole trip home..
again..
i guess the sky really knows how to weep for me..

wish to beg for some time

2008-12-29T07:39:00.000-08:00

you can see them in the steep roads while climbing Mount mayon..

you can see them while at Kennon Road or at Marcos Highway during a trip to Baguio..

you can see them at Quirino Highway or some long curving roads at Quezon Province while traveling to Manila..

im talking about the same scene you can see on crossing near Shangrila Mall in Shaw Boulevard..

you can see them near churches or big establishments where there are lots of people passin by..

its not the pavement or the plants or the surroundings im talking about..

they are the ones shaking boxes or tin cans for their living..

they seem to be empty, frail, unconscious, innocent,..innocent children running, shouting, begging..begging for some penny for food or food for strength to gather more pennies the next day..

begging..are they not gettin tired of their everyday routine of bringing up their cans, showing their innocent looks, making people feel how desperate they are to have something to put into their mouths.?

for me..they look not tired..or maybe they're tired or fed up already but they still have that priceless smiles on their faces when someone had the heart to give them some leftovers or some worthless pennies given to them as change..

they are not tired even if they are just gettin less than some of what i have..

yet me who gets most of what they don't have is on the edge of giving up everything even my sanity because of some petty failures life is giving me..

i need not beg for love because my family, friends and God has already provided me more than what i'm asking for..

i need not beg for intelligence coz i believe that what i have now is enough for me to understand things and i believe that wisdom forms and matures while we live ..

i need not beg for talent coz i'm endowed with useful stuff i can share to others..

i need not beg for romantic love coz life is giving me more than much to choose from and i think i've chosen the best for the moment..for the moment that i want to turn into a lifetime..

i need not to shake a tin can or a box for some penny coz my family and relatives gets us through our every need..

im not empty, frail, unconscious, innocent..
im not running, shouting, begging..begging for some penny for food or food for strength to gather more pennies the next day..

i need not..

i don't need..

i don't need to do these things yet why am i so tired of everything.?

i don't need..yet i wish i had to beg for some coz maybe wishin or begging for some shows the real essense of wanting or needing something..

but..why do i have to beg or wish for something i musn't wish or beg for coz it's just there and in one way or another always there.?

why this.?

why not talent.?

why not intelligence.?

why not money.?

why not the world.?

why not love.?

why life.?

pakipatay ang aircon

2008-12-26T08:45:00.000-08:00

gabing malamig..

puso ko'y nagngingitngit..

nananaghoy..

bumubulong sa hangin..

nawa'y dalhin nito sayo ang aking mga luha ng pangungulila,

upang iyong mapawi,

ang dalamhati ng mga labing tigang na sa init ng iyong mga halik..

tuwing chubby si mr.moon

2008-12-23T04:17:00.000-08:00

kaweirduhan

i don’t have super powers..

hindi ako kasama sa power rangers, powerpuff girls, totally spies..

hindi ako si Belldandy, Wonder woman, Darna, Storm at Dyosa sa tv..

pero di ko magetz kung pano ko nagagawang paulanin kapag nalulungkot ako at napapatigil ito kapag ayoko na talaga..

nakakaweirdo..

minsan naman kapag nalulungkot na ako hindi ko napapansin na umaambon na pala..

pag galit naman ako eh parang nagwawala ang langit at tipong may bagyong paparating na wala sa weather forecast..

all i have to do is wish for it..

well, as far as i know, ito lang ang wish kong natutupad..

baka talent ‘to.? di kaya.? ano.? haha.!
chaka.!

o baka nagkakataon lang talaga kasi hindi naman siya lagi nangyayari pero kung tatanungin moko eh madalas mangyari..

medyo creepy sa pakiramdam pero true..

alam mu rin bang lumiliit ang left eye ko tuwing full moon..

ewan ko..

sabi ng magulang at tita ko, bata or baby pa raw ako eh napapansin na nila un..

sabi ko naman eh hindi naman talaga pantay ang mata ng tao..

sabi naman nila eh mas lumiliit daw yung akin kapag kabilugan ng buwan..

pananakot ba ito.?

kahit ako hindi ko alam eh..kung tatanungin mo ulit ako eh hindi naman siya lagging nangyayari..madalas lang..

don’t worry..hindi pa naman ako nangangagat o nagpapalipad ng tao sa pamamagitan ng utak..

pagiging invisible kaya ang gusto ko..haha.!

Labels : blue thoughts…kalokohan_mode

no ordinary day

2008-12-16T04:12:00.001-08:00

ang gasgas ng “EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED” ang theme ng araw na’to..

WARNING: NOBELA ito,BORING

12am..
..greetings came in..

3:15am..
..i was woken up by my board mates’ irritating voices singing the ever gasgas happy birthday..
i found out na barado ilong k0..rawr.! nice..i have colds..
then they told me that i would be the first one to take a bath to try the chilling water for them..
rawr..what a nice gift..what a nice way to start my day..haha.!

4:30am..
..went to the University Church to attend the “Misa de Gallo” [which i just knew that day] means ‘mass of the roosters’..

a li’l bit of trivia taken from the homily of the priest during the mass:
it is called ‘mass of the roosters because it is a mass for early risers like the farmers, fishermen, vendors and the like..
dawn masses during December 16 -24 in the provinces are midnight masses in Manila..
the schedule was just changed for the provinces because the workers i’ve mentioned earlier are not able to attend the midnight mass because they are already dead tired by that time because of the whole day’s work..if they would go to church at dawn, it would be much fit to their schedules because they are early risers, and it would be much nicer to start your day with Bossing..

..during the mass i was so bothered because i was inside and Naxcz was outside because she was kinda 30 mins late, just in time for the gospel.,haha.! toinx.!

..i went out after the homily and saw her with what i thought a missal [guide booklet during mass]..she said hawakan ko daw..of course i’m curious, i tried to open it but before i could, i was distracted because she lend me her jacket.,well..i have terrible colds that time..we argued again on who’ll use the jacket.,pinagbigyan k0 na..burtdei k0 naman eh..haha.!

..we have this tendency to fight over petty things that doesn’t really deserve our efforts to talk.,well..we just love fighting each other i guess..haha.!

..i finally opened the booklet…it was entitled “Curbside Sonnets”..it was a book of poems made by Naxcz Jacutan for her precious Christmas Pearl..[i was really speechless and at the brink of breaking down to tears that time] but i managed to hold it ‘til i finally got inside my room at the boarding house..the moment i started reading the first poem “be there” i didn’t stop for more than an hour reading ‘til the last poem “Kun Ako Minataram”..

..there are 24 poems in English, tagalog, and bicol but my favorite was written in the last part of the foreword..

9:00am..
..i shared my box of éclairs, barnuts, mallows and chocolates to CC11..i really didn’t know where it came from..it was given to me by an unknown girl that told me that someone wanted me to have it..the dedication on the card says: [Happy 18th birthday!] nothing more nothing less..

..eniwei, whoever gave it..THANK YOU..sumakit ngipin ng blockmates [mga pungit] k0..haha.!

11:00am..
..me, Kate and Naxcz had lunch together..jenn wasn’t there kasi wala siyang pasok pag umaga during TTH..ampf..

..everything seemed to be very boring and gloomy but still i tried to enjoy every minute of it even though there’s nothing to be excited or happy about..

..i had tons of greetings from familiar and even unfamiliar faces..messages flooded my inbox making me remember how LEGAL 18 is..haha.!

1:30pm..
..i had my class in Filipino..nothing exciting..no one knows..kuya grey was absent..naxcz also has a class in college algebra..we were just instructed by Mam Autor to read a lengthy article about pollution..one and a half hours..boredome..

3:00pm..
..went to the boarding house and took a shower..i felt really hot..feverish maybe..

4:00pm..
..went back to the Pillars office, no one was there, everybody was busy because it was presswork..

..went to CC for the “Pasko sa Covered Court” with Piwi..watched my classmates perform for the Christmas Carol chuchu specially Jenn, Nikko and Yo..Naxcz told me she won’t be there for a while because she had to come with her mama to the hospital for therapy..she’ll be back by 4:30..okei..boring again..

4:30pm…
5:30pm..
6:30pm..
..ni shadow ni Nakita wala..huhu..

..everybody was worried because it’s obvious that i’m not enjoying anything happening..

..i know..i can feel my blockmates giving their damn best to entertain me or at least make me feel fine..

..sorry if everything seemed to have no effect on me..well, alam naman kasi nila kung ano ang effective sakin sa mga panahong ‘yun but they seemed to be clueless on where to find it..

..Kate and Jenn decided that we go back to the office..everybody was busy..
..they were tryin’ to comfort me..then they had a misunderstanding..

Jenn : hay naku Nagj! walang excitement! bakit naman kasi presswork ngayon?at bakit ngayon pa nila naisipang mag-interview?!!

[she was talking about the Pillars]
ME : anu ka ba jenn? ayos lang yun..namindset ko na naman kung anong mangyayari sa araw na’to eh..don’t worry..i’m fine..

Jenn : hay naku..pag kay Kate talaga bongga!

Kate : i hate you Gang! ulitin mo nga sinabi mo..

Jenn : sorry Gang..sorry na Gang..

..i was confused..i was worried..what the heck is happening on my birthday??!!

..i tried to comfort Kate..she can’t be stopped crying over what Jenn has said..

..we went to the University Church..i prayed that the rain would stop kasi emo naman na burtdei mo tapos umuulan..duhhh..Naxcz also told me to pray for it..dunno why..

..after a few moments..wala ng ulan..haha.! ang lakas ko kay Boss!

BURTDEI PART I

7:00pm..
..we went back to the office..busy pa rin lahat

..i decided to talk to Chief [si kuya mama manong guard ng 2nd floor,Xavier Hall] wala lang..wala nanaman kasi akong magawa..

..then next thing i noticed..everything was dark..nilagyan na ak0 ng blindfold ni Kuya Fuy .![managing editor] haun na un! after maybe 5mins of waiting in the dark [wo0h! emo!] akala ko pwede ng tanggalin..at hayan tinaggal ko nga yung blindfold..

..si Nagie na ang pinakamalaking tanga sa Earth! hindi pa pala pwedeng tanggalin..at feel na feel ko yung disappointment nila ng sinabi nilang “Boring..” shame..shame..yan na nga yata title ng blog na’to..”Boring…”

..akala nila naiyak ako sa surprise na lahat sila may hawak ng red roses..honestly, ang iniiyakan ko eh yung katangahan k0 at yung feeling na may inaasahan kang makita sa pagtanggal mo ng blindfold..pero..wala siya..

..one by one they gave me the roses..lahat ng editors..staff at apprentices..pati SSG President,si [beer_duhh_dear_oh my love] Kuya Verdz na alam ng lahat na crush ko..huling nagbigay ng roses eh si Kuya Grey..ang bet ng lahat para sakin..creepy clones lang naman kami..no more no less..some people are just plainly pushy..

..nakain na naming yung cake at pizza and everything pero wala pa rin yung gusto kong makita..

..actually, kanina pa sila text ng text ni John na naiwan daw yung wallet ni Naxcz sa boarding house ni John and Naxcz badly needs it and i’ll be the one to get it for her..

8:15pm
..okey..nagkaroon ng sobrang daming confusion kung sino ang susundin ko..but it all ended up na hinatid na ako nila Jenn, Kate at Ekai sa boarding house ni John coz i forgot how to get there..

BURTDEI PART II..

..sinamahan nila ako hanggang sa second floor pero wala dun si John..sabi nila malamang daw eh tumatambay sa rooftop..well, malamang nga kasi dun naman kami madalas tumambay kasi masarap magpahangin..

..hindi na sila sumama sa rooftop kasi it won’t take too long for me daw na kunin yung wallet ni Naxcz..

..bakit pa kasi ako yung nautusan ng babaeng yun eh ang dilim dilim pa naman paakyat dun..

..inalalayan na ako ni John pag-akyat..

..lights-off ang drama..at pagkaakyat ko eh yung kanta ng Secondhand Serenade na “Vulnerable” ang tumutugtog..

..lights-on naman ang drama....may pop-up tent na panay tali sa paligid sa gitna ng rooftop..lumabas sa tent yung kanina ko pa hinahanap sa CC,UC at office..

..i don’t wanna be speechless at that moment kasi baka matuloy yung iiiyak ko sa sobrang pagka-gulantang.. “Wow! tent na may sungay!”, i blurted out..alam ko napaka non-sense but at least may sinabi ako keysa naman mag-dying ako dun..haha.!

8:30pm..
..marami pang ibang nangyari kasi may mga extra sa main scene ng pelikula..haha.!

..pumasok na kami sa tent..at hayun..hayun..kumain na kami ng niluto niyang carbonara at mashed potato tapos yung binili nyang barbecue..yum.yum.yum.! sige maglaway kayo..

..first time kong may nagluto para sakin..first time kong nagkaroon ng ganitong surprise..

..soooo romantic..ng biglang humangin ng malakas at tinanong ko siya: “Lilipad na ba tayo?”
haha.! nagpakabusog kami sa pagkaing inihanda niya para samin at sa isa’t-isa..^~,
10:55pm..
..before we went down the stairs, she gave me a ring..engagement ring daw..while saying “wear this ring as a sign of my love..” yun lang..haha.!

..mga 11:30pm na ako nakauwi nun..masasabi kong lampas tenga yung ngiti ko pag-uwi at alam ko i had the same smile on my face hanggang sa pagising ko next morning..

12:00am..
.. i can tell that this is my most wonderful birthday so far..^^,

BURTDEI PART III [December 17, 2008]

..pag-uwi ko ng Ligao ng Wednesday eh i was kinda late for Church kaya din a ako masyado nang-usisa sa bahay..pero nagtaka ako ng Makita ko si Lolo at Lola sa kusina kasi hindi naman sila taga-dun and everything..tinanong ko si Love na busy sa paggawa ng plate [arki kasi siya], ang sabi niya lang eh ipinagluluto nun si Ria at Faye kasi Christmas party nila kinaumagahan..

7:30pm..
..i went to Church with Ate Meg..

9:00pm..
..Lola Linggay distributed some food coz it’s her birthday..
..Kuya Jun made some announcements..
..we went home..

..then i was kinda surprised when i saw some brothers in the community going with me to our house..i didn’t bother much coz i’m used to being accompanied home by some..

..lights-off nanaman ang drama..

..upon entering our house [lights-on] i was surprised by the giant poster made by Love which reads [“Happy 18th Birthday Manai”], booming birthday greetings by my relatives and community members..i didn’t know that they prepared a simple and neat agape for me..

..awww..another surprise..i also had a cake..wo0h.!

..i had a small appetite though coz seeing everybody there celebrating with me was enough..their happiness and love for me was worth digesting..

…..days before, i’ve already expected my birthday to be a disaster or not actually a disaster but just another ordinary day..or so i thought..coz Mama already talked to me that they don’t have money for a celebration..i understood them..it was okei with me..well, for me, my happiness or my birthday doesn’t depend solely on money..i can celebrate even though i don’t have cash to waste..

..this only proves that i was right..

..this only proves that it’s not money that matters..

..it’s the people around me that puts the effort to make me happy that matters most..

..well, much has been said,
..this day only proves my theory that my birthday gets more exciting every year..^~,

i wish you knew

2008-12-11T05:33:00.000-08:00

<>

alam mo bang marami kang hindi pa alam.?

alam mo bang kapag sinasabi k0ng mukha kang pusa eh nakukyutan ak0 sayo.?

alam mo bang kapag hinahawakan mo ang kamay k0 nakakalimutan ko na nasa earth pala tayo.?

alam mo bang kapag hinahatid m0ko eh parang ayoko ng pumasok sa gate at sumama na lang sayo papuntang Arana.?

alam mo bang paulit ulit k0ng binabasa ang blog mo at messages mo sa cellphone ko, lalo na kapag hindi tayo nagkikita kasi pakiramdam k0 ay kausap lang kita habang binabasa ko’to.?

alam m0 bang kapag nasa byahe ak0 pauwi samin ay wala na ak0ng ibang tinitigan kundi ang cellphone k0 na ang wallpaper eh ang picture nating dalawa.?

alam mo bang kapag tinititigan mok0 eh di k0 pinapahalatang nahuhuli kita minsan kasi kinikilig ak0.?

alam mo bang araw araw ak0ng hindi natutul0g hangga't hindi pa 11:30pm kakahintay sa goodnight message m0,kasi pakiramdam k0 yun ang isa sa mga pamamaraan m0ng kumpletuhin ang araw k0.?

alam mo bang tuwang-tuwa ako kapag nagrereklamo ka sa kung anong bagay at dumadaldal ka tungkol sa kahit ano sa buhay mo, buhay ng ibang tao, at buhay natin.? wala lang, dito k0 kasi nalalaman kung komportable na sakin ang isang tao at kung pinagkakatiwalaan ba ako nito..

alam mo bang tuwing ihahatid moko sa terminal ay gustong-gusto na kitang isama sa Ligao para hindi na kita namimiss to the highest level ng pagkamiss.?

alam mo bang inis na inis ako kapag nababanggit si rani [kahit pa ako ang madalas magbanggit] or nakokonek siya sa kahit anong gawin natin kasi takot akong di mapantayan yung kung anong meron kayo noon.?

alam mo bang sa mga gabing nauunahan mo akong mapansin si mr. moon ay ibig sabihin abala ako sa pagtitig sayo o pagdama sa kamay mo kaya di ko siya napansin.?

alam mo bang lagi akong nakatitig sayo kapag magkatabi tayo sa classroom, wala lang natutuwa lang ak0ng panoorin kang nakikinig kay Sir toots o kaya kay Mam Consulta o kaya’y mainis kay Arl..haha.!?

alam m0 bang kapag yinayakap mok0 eh wala ng mas komportable pang p0sisyon sa buong mundo kundi sa mga braso at balikat m0.?

alam m0 bang kapag hinahalikan mok0 eh nawawala ak0 sa sarili, nanghihina at natatagpuan k0 na lang ang sarili na nahuhul0g pa lalo sayo.?

alam mo bang dapat alam m0 ang lahat ng 'to.?
kasi naman mahal na mahal kita..
sana naman ngayon alam m0 na diba..

Hope for the Flowers: Three-Point Shot

2008-12-04T04:37:00.000-08:00

just wanna share my reflection paper in NSTP about the story Hope for the Flowers..

“Are you willing to lose everything for the thing you are dying to have?” This was the question that is annoyingly repeated by my brain during the whole discussion. “Am I supposed to be happy when all I ever wanted comes with a price”, as one song goes. We all want something in life or I may say we all want everything good that life has to offer. But we must take into consideration the things we are ready to GIVE UP because of the things we ought to FIGHT FOR. God doesn’t give you everything you want, He just provides you with the things you need, therefore if you want something badly and you got it be ready that something of the equal value will be lost, turning the table around, when you lost something really important to you He will replace it with something of the equal value and or knows even MORE than that. In nothingness…God gives us everything…

We may have all the best things in life or we may have the worst things in life. Yet we always get tired of everything. At some point in our lives we get tired and we don’t even know why. And because we’re tired, we’re always looking for something new, for something better, for greater things, for excitement, but we never know that the things that means most to us or the best things in life are just AROUND. We just don’t see them or we just don’t want to see them.
There are lots of ‘yellow’ that comes into our lives and teaches us lessons and opens our eyes to the things we must really see, but most of the time we tend to ignore them because we are more focused on our personal goals than the importance of what they are telling us. We are just concerned of our own happiness not knowing that we are the happiness of another.

Life is SHORT. Indeed it is, yet the time given to us is enough for us to learn and enjoy everything in it. God has His plan and all we need to do is go with the flow, take where the current takes you, and from where you fell and where you got up all you need to do is LEARN. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve done wrong, as the church says, we are entitled for our sins, but it also doesn’t mean that it is okay to sin, it could be forgivable for the first time, yet when you already know what’s wrong, though it is the most complicated part, for me that’s the time to STOP and think about it, LOOK how you’ve affected others around you and LISTEN to what your conscience has to say.

i told myself i won't miss you

2008-11-29T18:27:00.000-08:00

entry 001

WEDNESDAY

went to Coko Cafe at about 9am..Naki came about 30mins. after i arrived..we're waiting for Jenn c0z she asked me to accompany her to take her delayed exam on Sociology..
at haun na nga.,after ihatid k0 si Jenn sa CC bumalik naman ak0 agad para makasama siya[yabaQ] but then an unexpected tampuhan came..nagtamp0 ak0 kasi nagsinungaling nanaman siya sakin..sabi niya ginawa niya lang daw yun para pagtakpan kung anu man yung gusto k0ng malaman kasi baka pagawayan lang ulit namin..ayaw na daw niya kasing ipasok ang 'ex' niya sa usapan kasi alam na rin naman daw niya ang kababagsakan nito..isang malaking tampuhan..TAMA SIYA. ayun nga nagwalk out na lang ak0 nung nafeel k0 ng ‘neglected’ ak0..uuwi na sana talaga ak0 sa bHAuz kaso nakita k0 si Achie sa church so pumasok ako dun..nakita k0 sila ni Jenn..Jenn was like hinahabol siya kasi sa nakita k0 ay parang naglalakad siya tungong nowhere..gustong-gusto k0 na talaga nun lumabas ng church at tawagin siya pero pinairal k0 nanaman ang aking humongous PRIDE..xit na pride..then nung di ko na natiis eh lumabas na ak0 tapos nawindang naman ang lola mo kasi si Jenn na lang yung nakita k0ng naglalakad and i was like shouting to myself na "where the hell is Naxcz.?" i ran to Jenn & was very hysterical looking for the person i just hurt..sabi ni Jenn.,"Ewan k0.,ewan k0 sainyo.,"eh asan na nga siya.? "Ewan.,somewhere there [points to the direction where Naki went ] magpapakamatay na daw siya.." and its not new to my ears na magpapakamatay siya kasi for the nth time ko na yatang narinig yun sa kanya but then at that moment i was like dying inside,too because i know my fault and i dont want to be the reason why she's hurting..i ran back to the church and cried my lungs out..haha.! after ilang months.,err..can barely remember..ngayon na lang ulit ak0 umiyak ng ganun katagal mga around 12pm yun kasi inabutan na nga ak0 ng Angelus kakaiyak dun, not knowing what to do..parang waiting for nothing na alam m0 deep inside eh darating kasi you prayed for it..weird..at ayun nga, Jenn did everything para ic0ntact siya at ipaalam na mukha na akong tanga na naghihintay sa taong di naman alam na hinihintay k0 siya..at dapat nga sa mga oras na yun eh pauwi na ak0 ng Ligao kasi heller 3days na kaya ak0ng unpr0ductive [i really hate being unproductive, sana naging lola na lang ak0 na nasa rocking chair diba] & the only reason why i was there was her..5 days kaming di magkikita tapos ganun pa..But Jenn was an angel[bleah.!]., she did everything and succeeded..taddahh.! bigla na lang sumulpot si Naki sa church..Jenn actually texted her..Sabi niya "Sorry, i was waiting at the wrong place." and without asking nafigure out k0 ng naghintay siya sa may bHauz namin..then sa paguusap namin ay nalaman k0 na lang na tama pala yung inisip k0..inabangan niya nga ak0ng lumabas sa bHauz k0 not knowing na andun pa rin ak0 sa school at nageEmow..then after a few exchange of Sorry's and whatevers we just found ourselves inside my room at the bHauz 'making up'..sa Pluto..haha.! then after everything that happened we ended up bidding goodbye and sayin' i love you's at the van terminal..
at for the first time eh may kasama ak0 sa byahe..for the first time eh hindi ak0 nakatulog sa biyahe kasi kasabay k0 si Kate at Ekai na papunta sa Legaspi for an Immersion..sayang di ako makakasama kasi nauna na akong nagCommit kay Mama at Papa na ako ang O-I-C sa bahay sa pagalis nila ng 23-26..hai naku..

THURSDAY

nothing much happened..ito lang naman ang araw na magbubukas sa apat na araw na kalbaryo ko..rawr..buti na lang dumating si Ate Shara para alalayan ak0 kay Mish..paalis na kasi sila Mama..may Catechist's Re-Echo Convivence kasi sila sa Bacacay..
So help me God sa aking mga kapatid..i dunno if i would function well coz my heart is with someone in Naga and my brain is with me yet still it shouts nothing but the name of that someone i'm dying to see so0n..

FRIDAY

i thought this would be an empty day like yesterday but maraming nakakawindang na pangyayari ang nangyari..

1. Pumunta sa bahay si Eric,ang manliligaw-ulit na 'ex' ng aking sistah na si Love.. Tumambay siya sa bahay kahit na nasa Legaspi si Love., nagjamming sila ni Mish habang ak0'y busy sa pagprepare ng lunch and everything..is that what you call "bonding m0ment with the 'future-in-laws'.?"' euwWw...

2. Jemelyn came..my beshie bestfriend..wala lang.,pumunta lang siya dun para magpasermon sakin dahil pumunta lang siya dun para iConfess na marunong na siya magYosi and she's doing it occasionally..rawr..

3.Joy[joyay].Jerusalem[jeru].Cecille[cel].Jed[jedoy].Janet[net].Maryrose[mayaman].Bon[bone].Mark[mak.chairman].- my elementary classmates.! sinundo nila ak0 para sa isang BIGLAANG HIKING..haha.! ni hindi pa nga ako naliligo..& siguro kakamadali ay nakaligo ak0 within 5mins.! mirakol pare.1 mirakol.! 1st time in history.! achievement.! ang average na pagligo k0 kasi eh mga 20 - 40 mins..sabi k0 na nga ba eh., i definitely agree na mas masaya at mas maganda ang mga bagay na hindi pinagpaplanuhan.."kapag hindi plinano, NANGYAYARI.."
the sunset is at its best when shared with good old friends..

SATURDAY

Appie 18th Burpdei Jem.!

am
General Cleaning Day.! my gulay..i'm desperate to lose weight.,im not the type who eats the balanced diet and eats stuff with less carbs., for me its better to do exercise or tire yourself over something to lose weight than to do the diet thingy..so..i spent the whole day cleaning the living and dining room of our house..simultaneous with attending to the store and to my youngest sister Mish..wahaha.! panu k0 kaya nagawa yun.? haha.! feeling k0 pumayat ak0..sabi naman ng bestfriend k0, feeling k0 lang daw yun..rawr..hihi..
i thought the cleaning stuff would make me feel better about missing my 'yabaQ' so much..
but all of those were futile efforts for forgetting,i still miss Naxcz damn much..

pm
"Ate Nagie.! Ayaw talaga niya.!", sigaw ni Nikka [pinsan k0] sabay labas ng kubeta,pinagpapawisan na..wahahaha.! ayaw lumubog ng jerbs niya..haha.!
at anung ginagawa ni Danica sa bahay namin.?
haun..di siya pinagbuksan ng gate ng Tita niya na nagpapaaral sa kanila ng Ate niya [Ate Meg] na nakasira ng digicam na pinagmulan ng lahat ng kaguluhan s earth..
o0.,nasira ni Ate Meg yung gigicam ni Tita Mhay nung pinipiktyooran niya si Jan Love for an id pic..tapos ayan naglitanya na ang lola at humantong na sa pagpapatigil kay Ate Meg sa pagaaral..duhh..as in,.spell 'duhh'..dahil sa 2 yrs. old na gigicam na nasira,masisira na rin ang pangarap niyang maging artista.?[ay sorry..char lng..haha.!]

hai natu..
physically exhausting ang araw na'to dahil sa kinarir k0 maglinis ng bahay..at maging TGA-lahat para sa mga kapatid k0..

mentally exhausting kakaisip ng solusyon sa problema ng pinsan k0..

spiritually exhausting dahil hindi ako nakapagsimba dahil masakit na ang katawan k0..

emotionally exhausting dahil sa hindi na ak0 makahinga kakaisip sa tanging taong mahal k0..gusto ko na siyang makita..habang tumatagal at dumadami ang bawat minutong binibilang k0 na wala ak0 sa tabi niya..nakakabaliw na'to..tangina..

this is my first post so pagpasensyahan ng nagbabasa..haha..